Redneck Driving Etiquette:
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not remove seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene:
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. (Note:
It is a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.)
Redneck Dining Out:
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Entertaining at Home:
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes,
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family):
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: " I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Redneck Theater Etiquette:
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette:
- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to the wedding.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions:
- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
- It is considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.