The Darwin Awards
Time again for these priceless awards.
Common sense is not standard issue. With that note, I present-the Darwin
Well, its back. The one and only......Darwin Awards. For those of you
who have never heard of the Darwin Awards, each year it goes to the
recipient judged to have done the human gene pool the most good by
removing themselves from it in some spectacular way. Even if no one
dies, the candidates are all poster persons for the benefits of
Natural Selection. We begin with a past honorable mention. Enjoy.
- August, 1988 -
- Fort Knox Kentucky, (boot camp); Upon receiving a "Dear
John" letter from his long time love, this would-be G.I. had determined
that the world was a cruel place, and he no longer wanted to live. Our
hero decided to take his life, by tying the electric cable of a 50
pound (floor buffer) around his neck, then throwing the buffer out the third
story window of the barracks attempting to break his own neck. The
distance between the third story window, and the cement below, was
approximately 30 feet. Unfortunately, the Buffer Cable was 32 feet in
length - just enough to yank our hero towards the window, so he could
see the broken buffer that was going to cost him $500 and a Section 8
(mentally unstable discharge!!!)
- TACOMA, WA -
- Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the
railing. Bingham's tied one end to his leg and the other end was tied to
the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"
said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's
just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
- February 3, 1990, Renton, Washington -
- A man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt,
as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime,
and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
- The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
- The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public
- To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door;
- An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired
a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew
their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
- MOSCOW, RUSSIA -
- A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank
they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would
protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old
guard died of a heart wound. It is good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.
And the winner of the 1998 Darwin Award is:
- Japan Times-April 16, 1997
- "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping",
a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak
had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting
the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air,
creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai took
it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that
wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was
going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They
dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not
realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into
his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died
virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in shock. One woman
thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started
"We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities.
"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his
system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to
Satan, " Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then
hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin