The Darwin Awards

Time again for these priceless awards. Common sense is not standard issue. With that note, I present-the Darwin Awards.....

Well, its back. The one and only......Darwin Awards. For those of you who have never heard of the Darwin Awards, each year it goes to the recipient judged to have done the human gene pool the most good by removing themselves from it in some spectacular way. Even if no one dies, the candidates are all poster persons for the benefits of Natural Selection. We begin with a past honorable mention. Enjoy.

August, 1988 -
Fort Knox Kentucky, (boot camp); Upon receiving a "Dear John" letter from his long time love, this would-be G.I. had determined that the world was a cruel place, and he no longer wanted to live. Our hero decided to take his life, by tying the electric cable of a 50 pound (floor buffer) around his neck, then throwing the buffer out the third story window of the barracks attempting to break his own neck. The distance between the third story window, and the cement below, was approximately 30 feet. Unfortunately, the Buffer Cable was 32 feet in length - just enough to yank our hero towards the window, so he could see the broken buffer that was going to cost him $500 and a Section 8 (mentally unstable discharge!!!)

Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham's tied one end to his leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

February 3, 1990, Renton, Washington -
A man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

  1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
  2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
  3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door;
  4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. It is good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.

And the winner of the 1998 Darwin Award is:

Japan Times-April 16, 1997
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.

"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.

"We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities.

"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."

"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan, " Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin Award recipient!